I’d like to apologise first and foremost to any male readers who might think this post is a load of shite…
Like most of the world, I’m cursed with the affliction of being human. While some people do like to pretend that they are in fact perfect (Kim K I’m looking at you mate), it’s actually scientifically proven that none of us are. I’d love to pretend that I’m not too arsed about the way I look, but I think anyone who makes that claim is telling a big fat lie, and so rather than talking about embracing your natural beauty (which I’m sure you all have) I’m going to champion the powers of makeup, and how they make my face look slightly less wonky.
We all have our hang ups, and I am certainly no different. My poor eyebrows haven’t seen daylight for the past three years, as I’ve gone through various stages of drawing them on. At one point they became so alarming that I looked a little bit like Maggie’s arch nemesis from The Simpsons (pictured to the left). Thankfully, I seem to have found the right balance, and thanks to Benefit’s Browzings, my wonky little caterpillars blossom every morning into a pair of beautiful butterflies; there’s plenty of photos of them on my Insta.
Although I am a member of the gym, and would like to think I eat relatively healthily when I’m not answering the wild calls of Tesco’s salted caramel cookies, I’m still carrying a little more timber than your average supermodel (as pretty much every non-supermodel is) and it can make me a little jowly (see Churchill dog to the right). As with just about everything nowadays, there’s a product which by some sorcery makes my jowls look like elegant cheekbones that’d rival those of Mrs Kardashian West (or at least that’s what I tell myself). The gurus at Illamasqua, who incidentally specialise in drag make up, have made this illusion possible, with their range of powder foundations which are perfect for contouring.
Although I promise I have several intellectual beliefs, I am primarily a really strong believer in daytime lippy. As a chronic sufferer of SHSE (Shit Hair and Small Eyes), I take small comfort in the fact that I can carry off a good few shades of lippy to detract from my hang ups. My fave new baby is Mac’s Ruby Woo, and I rarely leave the house without it. Here I am rocking it to the left and looking pretty gangster.
Apologies for this entirely superficial, shallow and slightly female-centric post – I have tried to make it less boring than your average beauty blog.
Makeup is a marvel and should be embraced – long live war paint!
Please leave a comment below if you’d like to see more beauty posts, or just to tell me I’m a bit of a minger.