I was going to write this yesterday but I was in a hole of a New Year’s hangover food coma, after scranning down on just about anything in sight throughout the day. It’s 2015!!! ‘Appy days. I hope you all had spectacular evenings full of strippers and champers and falling arse-over-tit in the street.
I swear as we get older the years go faster. I think my year has flown ‘cause I went from being a lazy-ass student whose top priority was keeping up with episodes of Gossip Girl to a full-fledged, employed semi-grown up, and the pace of my life went from slow loris to flubber in about four days. Anyway, I’ve somehow arrived in 2015 and it’s finally feeling like the future, isn’t it. I mean, Doc Brown and Marty landed their sexy arses in 2015 in good old Back to the Future II, and they knew a thing or two about what was about to go on.
Wearable technology has hit the market, with the Apple Watch waiting in the wings for this year’s summer treat. Is that Google Glass..?
Video calling even seems like old tech now, with Skype and FaceTime having been around for, like, ever. Is that an LED plasma there mate?
Unfortunately, we haven’t got as far as the hoverboards that BTTF promised us; what a fuckin’ joke.
So I’m gonna take a look at a few of the most memorable moments of 2014…
- We lost Robin Williams
Sad face!! Robin Williams was a huge part of my (and pretty much all of my generation)’s childhood, and his tragic suicide hit the world pretty hard. It brought mental health issues to the world stage, though, and got some much-needed global recognition of depression as an illness. Love you Robin.
- Kim K broke the internet
It’s been literally impossible to avoid Kim Kardashian in 2014, and I’m sure we all saw the Winter edition of Paper magazine (I’ve never heard of it either) within which she bared not only her huge wabs, but also her actual foof in all its glory: Kanye must’ve been thrilled. It’s not the first time the world has seen Kim naked, nor will it be the last, it’s hard to deny how bangin’ she is though. You go, Kim.
- Nudity was all around us
While Kim was giving out nude snaps for a cool 40 mil, other sexy celebs became victims of the celebrity photo hack (you saw them too, didn’t you). Poor J Law had her entire collection of naked pics published on 4chan, and noone seemed at all arsed about the scores of other celebs whose nakedness was available for viewing, bet they were wounded.
- Iggy was mugged off
Poor Iggy Azalea was absolutely merked by Snoop Dogg and the internet at large, after that hilarious picture of her and Rita Ora looking like the Waynans brothers went viral, and rumours of her being born a man were passed from Tweet to Tweet. She did also spit at a pap, so maybe it’s just karma.
- Arses took over
2014 saw the image of the perfect woman get yet another unachievable overhaul, as Nicki, JLO and Megan Trainor told us all that having a booty is the way to go, as long as your waist remains 25inches in diametre. Anaconda was 100% one of my fave jams from 2014, but I really don’t agree with women being told they need to have an arse the size of Russia and zero fat anywhere else.
- Emma Watson stopped being just Hermione
Golden gal and queen of my heart Emma Watson brought feminism to the men of our planet, with her #HeForShe campaign and UN speech on gender equality, and the world fell in love with her all over again. LOVE YOU EMMA!!!
- U2 cyber-raped us all
Bono and his little ladgin mates forced their new music upon anyone with an iPhone by slipping their wanky new album onto everyones iCloud, just after the nude leaks made us all doubt the safety of the cloud. Apple got it spectacularly wrong with this particular move, and even fucked up with their new bendy models of the iPhone 6 Plus, but we will all still remain slaves to the fruit, I’m rocking an old-school iPhone 4 at present.
- We were shite at footy once again
The world was completely astounded (not) by our exit from 2014s World Cup in our worst ever performance in a major tournament; we didn’t even make it past the group stages. Cheers Wayne you prick! Genuine footage of England fans:
- North Korea continued to terrify the world
I’m not sure I should even publish this one as they may go hacking me and releasing my nudes, but North Korea won most terrifying body of people of 2014, beating even ISIS in my opinion. Kim Jong Un caused a stir by eating too much cheese and doing a disappearing act, they kicked off with Sony over The Interview, and told everyone who would listen that they won the World Cup (and every Olympic event, and prob Miss World).
- I got a selfie stick
I got a fucking selfie stick!!! And it’s completely mint. Check out this series of fabulous pics I have already made time to take since it’s purchase on the last day of 2014. Guys, you need to run to the shops right now and bag yourself one before it’s too late and your life remains mediocre for the rest of 2015. Here we are on NYE:
And on NYD…
Happy New Year bitches!!!!