Chapter Four: The Keeper of the Keys

Chapter four is arguably the most important chapter in the whole damn franchise.

Chapter four is arguably the most important chapter in the whole damn franchise.


Oioi, in his best onomatopoeic fashion, Hagrid has arrived on the rock and he’s on the scene in a big way. In fact, J K gifts us with rather a lot of onomatopoeias in the opening few paras of The Keeper of the Keys — it’s all “Boom!” this and “Smash!” that. I suppose it’s warranted though, as Hagrid is smashing in the door like the Hulk on LSD.

“Where’s the cannon?”

Anyway, we begin Chapter Four with Hagrid re-entering Harry’s life just as the bell tolls on his eleventh birthday. He’s got no idea what he’s in for, the poor, giant soul. He’s definitely about to be pissed off with the Dursleys though.

To be fair, I wouldn’t be pleased with the Dursleys either. Between enslaving Harry and speaking to him like shit, the family have managed to make the poor kid’s life an utter misery. Add to that the lies about his entire existence, and we’ve got a pretty good look at why Hagrid would be a bit put out.

As Hagrid arrives on a ~very special day~, he comes bearing the gift of delicious, illiterate cake. Just what we all want on our eleventh birthday.


Now, we’ve heard a lot about “funny business” and all these weird happenings that seem to be drawn to Haz Potts. We’ve heard rumours of The Potters, and Dedalus Diggle, and the mysterious You Know Who, but at this point we really have no fucking idea about anything other than the fact that the Dursleys are a bunch of absolute pricks. Never fear though, for Hagrid is on the scene whipping up a magnificent brekky of sausages and laying knowledge on the kid (and us Muggles) by the fuck-tonne. Here’s the 411:


  • This giant being is Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts (where?).
  • He drinks tea and likes sausages for breakfast.
  • Again, he works at Hogwarts, and no it’s not OK that Harry has no f-ing idea what that is.
  • He has a mild anger issue and is a bit pissed off absolutely fucking fuming that the Dursleys haven’t told Harry “where his parents learned it all” (still no clue on what the fuck he’s actually talking about).
  • Harry can, you know, do math and stuff.
  • Harry is FAMOUS. Not Instafamous, but real life celeb status.
  • Harry is a mother fucking wizard!!!!!! And a thumpin’ good’un!!!!! It’s lit!!!!!!


What a fucking bombshell, ey. The rest of the chapter is just a radgy giant throwing his pink umbrella about and giving us our first look at ~magic~ by turning Dudley into a pig — lols all round if you ask me.

Catch up on Chapter Three: The Letters From No One right here honeys.

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