SO we all know now that there was a boy. And that he lived. And that APWBD loves lemon drops -— although he is perhaps a little misguided in his child protection actions. What more is there to learn from this world of drills, long cloaks and flying motorcycles? Thankfully, I am here to tell this little known tale.
Chapter two answers a lot of questions for those new to the wizarding world. Thankfully, nearly ten years have passed since that fateful night of lemon drop bants and babies on doorsteps, surely we’re entering a world devoid of child neglect, amirite?! Unfortunately not.
The Vanishing Glass gives us a stark view into life as Harry Potter knows it. We’ll be glad to know that Privet Drive is still remarkably normal (thank the lord) and not a right lot has changed since activities of a decade previous. While everyone in this little blissful suburb has had a cracking time of it, itty, bitty, baby Potter, on the other hand, has had a tough ten years at the hands of his cruel Durz-in-laws.
Big H is awoken by his fucking horrible aunt Petunia crashing around and being shrill, and forced to get the brekky on. Not so bad I guess for a normal youngster life? Maybe? Well we’re already pissed off with her because she interrupted his dream about a
somewhat familiar flying motorbike, and the fact she’s not about to let Harry himself dig into any of the good stuff at the brekky table is just the beginning of our second chapter woes.
HP starts disentangling his socks from a pile of spiders (hell. on. earth.) when he drops a childline-esque truth bomb: he’s living under the stairs. Now I don’t know about you all but the cupboard under my stairs was pretty grim and full of dismembered Betty Spaghettis and all kinds of shite, so for this to be the living quarters of The Boy Who Lived… It’s just not on.
Child abuse aside, it’s Dudley’s bday, so the fam are of course getting ready to jet off on a big day out at the zoo. And thankfully our Harry’s in luck, ’cause little old squibtastic Mrs Figg has binned it over one of her cats and broken her leg, so he’s going along for the ride.
Did you know that strange things often happen around Harry? I didn’t either, but they do. Unc Vern, the greatest arsehole in the south of England, points this out when he gives Haz the warning against any “funny business” — not the kinda funny business you’re all thinking about either. There was the time aunt Pechoon gave him a This Is England haircut and his mop grew back over night, the time a sweater had shrunk before their very eyes as it was forced onto Harry’s skinny torso, and who could forget that time he flew up onto the roof of the school canteen like a leaping gazelle? Not uncle Vernon, that’s for sure.
Funny business seems to be following Harry, and I’m starting to think it’s something to do with all those long cloaks, and “The Potters”, and maybe even delicious hard boiled sweets with a zesty flavour.
So the zoo visit seems to pass without incident. I’ve been to that zoo myself and even I was bored and I love animals, so let’s take some comfort in the fact that Dudley probably had a bit of a shit day. For some unknown reason the gang headed for the reptile gaff (minging) and this is where that funny business strikes again.
After some half-arsed snake baiting from the Vern-Dud duo, Harry takes some time to get to know the resident boa constrictor, who he relates to as a caged, abused animal. Due to this ongoing funny business that follows him everywhere, Harry ends up in some form of odd snake exchange: “It winked.” Like the snake literally winked at him — funny business if I ever did hear it. Anyway, the pair have some chit chat and eventually big Dud arrives in a cloud of jealous rage to piss everyone off, so Harry *somehow* removes the glass from the enclosure
like magic, and the snake grabs his coat and gets on out of there.
“Thanksss, amigo” — local friendly Brazilian boa constrictor.
For his part in this zoo-related funny biz, Harry is shipped off to his prison cell under the stairs with “no meals” (!!!!! CHILD ABUSE !!!!!), where he reminisces about not knowing much at all about anything, least of all his dear deceased parents. All he knows is that they died in a car crash, and sometimes he sees green light, but who knows what that could be, ey? It’s a mystery to be unravelled, and it’s a mystery that lies in much more funny business.