Chapter Five: Diagon Alley

Time to hit the January sales, bitches!

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Jesus wept, we’ve learned a lot over the past four chapters. Thank the Lord Voldemort I am here to guide you all through this perilous journey to magical enlightenment — I know you guys would be nowhere without me, and you’re welcome.

So I hope you all had a very merry Christmas and a happy new year, full of turkey and tings. I hope you all also took a moment to think of what Christmas must’ve been like for POOR OLD HARRY POTTER over the decade of his life at Privet Drive — sometimes I shed a tear thinking about that poor lad’s life, you know.

But anyway, in the spirit of overindulgence and shopping, which are both very topical, Christmassy endeavours, we’re heading to none other than Diagon fucking Alley with Hagrid. Continue reading “Chapter Five: Diagon Alley”

Chapter Four: The Keeper of the Keys

Chapter four is arguably the most important chapter in the whole damn franchise.

Chapter four is arguably the most important chapter in the whole damn franchise. Continue reading “Chapter Four: The Keeper of the Keys”

Chapter Three: The Letters From No One

The letterbox at number four Privet Drive is about to get absolutely lit.

The letterbox at number four Privet Drive is about to get absolutely lit.

As we all now know, funny business follows little old Harry Potter around. To be fair, the boy’s oblivious to the fact that he was literally dropped off at his aunt and unc’s by a half giant riding a humungous motorbike, and that might be something to do with all this weird shit that’s going on around him. If I didn’t know any better I’d say he was number 5 that was experimented on at Hawkins lab, but that would be too much of a worldly cross-over and I don’t think I’d like to see Harry go up against a god forsaken demogorgon.

Continue reading “Chapter Three: The Letters From No One”

Chapter Two: The Vanishing Glass

What more is there to learn from this world of drills, long cloaks and flying motorcycles?

SO we all know now that there was a boy. And that he lived. And that APWBD loves lemon drops -— although he is perhaps a little misguided in his child protection actions. What more is there to learn from this world of drills, long cloaks and flying motorcycles? Thankfully, I am here to tell this little known tale.

Continue reading “Chapter Two: The Vanishing Glass”

Chapter One: The Boy Who Lived

Mr and Mrs Dursley are anything but perfectly fucking normal, thank you very much.

So let’s kick this off with the cold, hard facts: Mr and Mrs Dursley are anything but perfectly fucking normal, thank you very much. They’re a pair of abusive morons, to be frank.

Continue reading “Chapter One: The Boy Who Lived”

HI!!!

Hello one and all: Muggles, squibs, mythical creatures and my mum,

I am fucking back. Yes, you heard it here first, if this site still even works: my blog is being resurrected from the grave. And it’s no coincidence that I’m doing this on the very day that Lily & James Potter spent their last ever day on this earth…

Continue reading “HI!!!”

dealing with the crushing blow of finding out my patronus

Life can be incredibly shit sometimes, as I may have mentioned sometime before. This year alone has been completely horrendous – which I have also mentioned – what with the death of Alan Rickman and my birthday falling on a Monday, and I’ve been dealt yet another crushing blow this November from none other than Pottermore. Continue reading “dealing with the crushing blow of finding out my patronus”