weekend robbery

So whereas yesterday I woke up feeling like P Diddy, things have taken a slight turn today and I’ve awoken feeling a little more like Kerry Katona – skint. Now, you can be forgiven for thinking that it’s my own fault I’m feeling brassic on this Sunday afternoon; I’m the first to admit that I’m not the most financially savvy girl on the planet. Some (most) Sundays I wake up feeling robbed, having spent a small fortune on drinking voddy ‘til the early hours. But this Sunday was something a little special: I woke up having actually been robbed.

On a Sunday, I’m sure a lot of us reach for our phones in the morning, checking for any embarrassing photos of us scranning down on 20 chicken nuggets in McDonald’s the night before. Fortunately for me, today I woke up fresh as a daisy, reaching for my phone to have a scan through any hilarious Snapchat stories which haven’t yet been deleted. What I found, however, was a frantic text from my bank wondering whether the £250 spend in Walmart was my doing. While I’d love to have nipped to America overnight to stock up on bric-a-brac for the crimbo fair, I spent my evening on my sofa crying at the X Factor semi-final (Andrea was robbed of the final like I was robbed of all my coin), and so the idea was born that some clever trickster had cloned my debit card, the cheeky fucker.

I can hear your cries of despair through the powers of the internet, and I was just the same when I woke up 250 quid lighter, but all is not lost. After 30 minutes on hold, during which I had a therapeutic sausage and egg sarnie, I was put through to a ‘bank representative’ who calmed my passions by assuring me that I would receive a full refund. So once the panic subsided, and I realised that it was actually hilarious that some guy was racking up a bill on my card, I started thinking about just what £250 would get you in Walmart, and this is what I found.

£250 is equal to no less than three-hundred and ninety-two point nine three fine American dollar bills. Now for me, that’s a lot of skrilla, so I’m guessing this guy felt like all his Christmasses had come at once. Let’s have a look at just what they could’ve stuck in the old shopping cart:

$392.93 could buy:

  • A slow cooker at $34.92, for easy peasy dinners through the week.
  • 20 packs of delicious Cap’n Crunch cereal at the cheap cheap price of $3 a pack ($60), perfect victory food after a successful robbery.
  • A Nokia Lumia 635 Smartphone for just $57. Bargain.
  • A shit-load of balloons to decorate the big theft party ($40)
  • A couple of iPod Shuffles (the Kerry Katona of the iPod world) for the kids’ stockings at $44 each
  • A Nerf gun for future criminal activity. And not just any Nerf gun; a Rhino-Fire Elite Blaster Nerf gun at $89.97. No expense spared
  • Taylor Swift’s new album at $13.88, for easy criminal listening.
  • The leftover tenner probably bought some ciggies, or a bottle of White Lightning (do they drink White Lightning in America?).

Cheers to the freakin’ weekend.

3 thoughts on “weekend robbery”

  1. Sorry Wayne, did my Christmas shopping with your card at Wally World this weekend. I didn’t think you would mind. You should see the slow cooker. You can fit a whole chicken in it. Merry Christmas!


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