So on Wednesday I had a bit of a meltdown day. You know the kind; it seems like the world is actively trying to get in the way of anything good happening to you, and you spend the day wishing that everyone and everything would just fuck off. I’d had a couple of cocktails the night before which probably didn’t help anything, and to make matters even worse my eyebrows looked like shit, which was always going to put me in a bad mood.
Yes, it’s superficial to have a bad day because your eyebrows wouldn’t go on straight, and yes there are people a lot worse off than me in the world and I know that very well, but when something gets you down, it really is hard to shake off the irrational hatred of the world that clouds your vision for the day.
Now I suffer pretty badly from anxiety (and not just when I draw my eyebrows on badly), and although I find it hard to talk about it sometimes, I really applaud the amount of recognition both anxiety and depression are getting in the press at the moment. On days when my mood takes a turn towards the depths of hell, I spend my time being angry at the world, and yet terrified of what the world thinks of me: it’s a fucking rollercoaster and it makes me mad at myself for being in a mood in the first place. I’ve already half decided not to post this up at all, as I find some bloggers who talk about their mental instabilities to be a bit self-indulgent.
Blogging could be said to be the most self-indulgent form of writing out there, I know. I’ve spent the past couple of weeks writing and re-writing and trying my hardest to come across as myself without seeming like a complete dick, and then worrying that people will think I look a dick anyway for thinking my thoughts are important enough to be shared with the world. As self-indulgent as blogging may be, though, writing this little blog has helped me build some confidence in my writing and in myself (to the point where I published the most hideous photo of me ever taken).
In two weeks on here, I’ve miraculously had just over 3000 hits. Today three people in Vietnam thought my blog was worth a scout, and even someone in Myanmar (I have no fucking idea either). I’m chuffed to tiny bits and pretty f-ing humbled that people have actually taken any time out of their day to read what I have to say, when so much of it is just rambling shite.
I’m 100% not putting this post out to get a sympathetic reaction, and I half hope that not too many people actually read it, as already it worries me that people might receive this wrong. I’m posting this because I’m proud that people are engaging with the subject and I’d like to add my own two-pence into the mix. Anxiety can be really crippling, and the people who seem the most sound in themselves can be having the hardest of times.
Here’s an inspirational Tweet from mega-honey Wiz Khalifa, who can brighten even the most rocky of my days:
…And Mark Ronson’s incredible new song with Bruno Mars, which I had on repeat all day
Thanks for reading my little space of shit-chatting, you absolute babes.