science says it’s ok that i’m late for everything

When it comes to just about anything in life, the rule seems to be that if science says it’s OK, it’s OK. For example, if nutritional science is telling you that it’s OK and even encouragable to be eating a blend of kale, spinach and broccoli for your brekkie, you run out and bag yourself a nutri bullet and fill that shit with anything green, in the hope that the gods of science will approve and make you slim, fit and healthy.

I for one am not one to argue with science (although I don’t own a nutri bullet and would prefer to eat a brownie than a handful of kale). We as humans have a lot to thank science for; the pillheads among us for their narcotics, the wounded among us for their medical prowess and ability to ease pain and heal, and now the lazy amongst us for their indissoluble theory as to why some people (me) are always late.

I was absolutely thrilled this morning to find out that there’s a fundamental reason that I seem to run on a clock that’s 10 minutes behind all others. Over the years I’ve perfected the art of pissing anyone and everyone off, my timekeeping being beyond the realms of shite and perhaps into the diabolical region. Whilst, yes it’s annoying for all you punctual honeys that you have to wait just a little extra time in the cold for your pals who suffer from an inability to timekeep, research flying in from across the pond suggests that you’ll just have to be patient, as our lateness isn’t likely to improve with time. It’s a part of our personality.


So the guys over at science world have said that the reason that I and so many other afflicted latecomers arrive behind schedule is that we fail to judge how long a task will take. In my case, and many cases, that simple task is travelling. How do these punctual people know that their train’s gonna be on time? Half of my life that shit just doesn’t turn up! And yes, there have been occasions where I’ve said I’ll be somewhere in five minutes and arrived half an hour later, can I help it if I misjudged my walking pace on that particular day? No. Why? Science.


Secondly, the science mandem would like you all to know that us late people are most likely multitaskers (which is also a sign of intelligence yano). Man like Jeffrey M. Conte found in his research (which you can read here if y’all don’t believe me) that out of his surveyed subjects, those who preferred multitasking were more often late. In this life of so much random daily shite, we’re pretty much forced into multitasking. I don’t have the time to dedicate to each and everything on my daily to-do list (which I actually don’t even write), I would be even later if I didn’t multitask so my life is one big sciencey conundrum. Do you punctual people set time aside for every little thing just so you can be on time to meet your gran for a cup of tea?


My man Conte also had a shout out for his Type B individuals as the latecomers, as us Type B-ers are more laid back and chiller. Can I help that I was born a cool cat who runs at a slow pace? Science says no, and what science says goes.


I’d make a wild guess at all Type A punctual single taskers as being time travelers. There’s no chance that you’ve got time to complete all your singular little tasks whilst being lords of travel and getting to everything on time.

So to everyone that I’ve ever been late to meet:


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