So as we get a little older, and life (that cruel mistress) forces us into the world of work, there comes a time when we resign ourselves to the idea that we’re probably getting
very a bit boring. Hangovers become three-day battles, night’s out actually feel like a chore (“you mean, you want me to leave the sofa for a whole evening?!”) and you find yourself getting excited by the Great British Bake Off (love ya Mary you foxy bitch).
However old and boring the UK workforce might be (harsh statement I know), once a year the LBDs are dusted off, the drinking boots are shined and venues around the country are trashed. Yep, it’s the season of the Christmas parties.
Now, I’ve been to a few crimbo do’s in my time. In my second year of uni, my housemates and I actually threw a festive costume party, which I of course attended dressed as all three of the three wise men (I’ll let you figure that one out for yourselves). This year, however, marked my first corporate Christmas party as a working gal.
So I’m writing this in the wake of that very first work Christmas party. As you might’ve guessed, the heavy heads are settling in and the queue for the coffee machine is out the door (there are even a few delicate souls who are so troubled that they can’t face a coffee). I, on the other hand, am feeling spritely as fuck, perched at my desk wearing a little smug grin.
For those who haven’t experienced the mythical corporate crimbo, I’ve decided to break it down for you through the magic of gifs (I love gifs, where have they been all my life?!).
5.30: EOP – End of Play – Queue whooping and choruses of “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…”
6.30: Arrive at venue.
7.00: Dinner is served, and it tastes that little bit better just simply because it’s free…
…The drinks start flowing.
7.45: With dinner safely seen off, it’s time for the speeches!!! WOOOOP!!! Queue more whooping and clapping…
“You guys fucking rock!!! Can I get a hell yeah for all the playas out there who keep this company going!!!”
*We’re laughing but this shit really isn’t funny*
“And our employee of the year award goes to…..”
…..Pause for suspense…….
“Some other mother-fucker who is loads better than you”.
It’s not you?! What kind of fixed shit are we running here? Hang on…
You’ve never even seen this guy in your life, and he’s beaten you to the crimbo party holy grail.
No matter though, you’re only here for the booze.
8.30: Time to hit the dancefloor…
This is where you really come into your element…
“OH I WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS EVERY DAAAAAAAY!!”
9.15: The music takes a turn. Beyoncé’s Naughty Girl comes on. Your elder bosses are turning their noses up; some are even getting ready to leave! Not you though, this is your jam…
“Tonight, I’ll be ya naughty giiiiirl”
Did I mention the booze is still flowing?
…And it’s FREE?
Friendships have been made, inappropriate dancing has been executed perfectly, and it’s time to hit the road. After all, you’re at work in the morning…
I promise my next post will be gif-free.