my favourite conspiracy theories

The world is full of some absolutely fucking crackers conspiracy theories, and they are pretty much all hilarious. That is, discarding the ones that are pretty scary. From ‘Paul’s Dead’ to the ever-impending Chemtrails madness, madheads the world over have been serving up batch after batch of quality theories around anything and everything for all of time, as far as I know.

Although by and large I don’t actually believe in many conspiracy theories, I often find myself perusing them at leisure and usually ending up freaking myself the fuck out and thinking I’m in the Truman Show or that the Illuminati are operating out of my wardrobe (if you’re reading this guys, sign me up).

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Here’s just 5 of my faveys:

  1. Gangster rap is only allowed to be popular to fill up private prisons

Popular among the particularly kooky, this one stems from a leaked ‘email’ which was supposedly sent to all the big names in the music industry back in 2012 from a former music mogul. Although the guy remained anonymous, conspiracists jumped on it like Ludacris on hoes from different area codes and ran.

Basically this guy said that there was this big-ass meeting back in 1991 wherein some madcat bigdogs ordered everyone to send gangster rap to the top of the charts to glamourise a life of crime so as to keep America’s private prisons at 90% capacity, which was needed for the prisons to be profitable.

Supposedly the big music dons also have stakes in these privately run prisons – which considering that the world is run by about 7 different corporations is probably true enough. Whether or not they chose to boost their inmate count through the popularity of rap music is left to find out, but you can read the email here if you fancy a nosey further.

gangsters

  1. Paul’s Dead

Poor Paul McCartney, the Beatle so unloved that the fans’ subconscious decided he had died back in 1966 and noone had bothered to tell them. This one is particularly hilarious and there’s plenty of ‘legit’ literature readily available online for the budding conspiracist to get in on the cover up.

Paul-is-dead-ers believe that PM bit it in a car crash of some kind back in the 60s and that The Beatles just decided to ship in a lookalike called Billy Shears (lol) to help them out.

Despite reams of hilarious irrefutable evidence including backwards lyrics saying “Paul is dead, miss him, miss him” and other such goodness – he is the only Beatle without shoes on the cover of Abbey Road, which is a dead giveaway – this one remains largely disbelieved and Paul lives to fight another day / collaborate with Kanye.

paulmc

Other good are-they-dead-or-aren’t-they’s are Tupac, Elvis and MJ, who are reportedly living the dream on some magical non-fictional island enjoying their lives out of the limelight. I for one hope this is true so I can get married to Pac.

  1. Jesus married a ho.

We’ve all seen the Da Vinci Code, we’ve all heard that Jesus decided to wife up his main ho Mary Magdelene and we’ve probably all decided that neither of them actually ever existed in the first place. It is a pretty good theory though and I defo made a jaunt to the Louvre after reading the book and did the kneely thing at the inverted pyramid and looked for all the hidden goodness in Leonardo’s paintings. Hopefully noone will know what I’m talking about so they won’t laugh at me for being such a loser.

  1. We never went to the moon

Completely plausible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If they went then why haven’t I? Appaz the shadows in the pics are all the wrong way and it’s all a giant hoax to boost American morale and give a big two’s up to Russia. Russia incidentally also claim to have evidence that the US were behind 9/11 but I’m not going into that ‘cause it’s too sad and horrible and not allowed to be true.

  1. Aliens are among us

If you’ve not heard that a spaceship crashed in Roswell in the late ‘40s then you are a really shit conspiracist and you should go and do some reading. There’s a whole host of alien conspiracy theories but the Roswell stuff is a bit dodge ‘cause the US government changed their story about what happened so many times and it’s all a little bit freaky and weird and I reckon that Shannon that served me in Tesco last week was probably E.T. in a wig. The Royal Family are also lizard shapeshifters.

et-bye-felicia

For anyone who has a spare hour / day / week and wants to be filled with uncertainty about life and the universe then have a good Google session about conspiracy theories!!!

PS I didn’t include the Illuminati or the assassination of JFK because they’re REAL. And chemtrails are a thing ‘cause Kylie Jenner said so on Twitter.

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