Hello one and all: Muggles, squibs, mythical creatures and my mum,
I am fucking back. Yes, you heard it here first, if this site still even works: my blog is being resurrected from the grave. And it’s no coincidence that I’m doing this on the very day that Lily & James Potter spent their last ever day on this earth…
You see, I’ve spent this past year being pretty fucking depressed with the state of the world. I’ve found it hard to find time in between moaning about my measly existence and feeling bad about moaning about my measly existence to actually enjoy writing about all the stupid shit that has happened in my life. I stopped finding it funny. It’s difficult to find things funny when the world is literally in flames around you.
But yes, your very own ray of sunshine is back on the scene and this time I’m prepared and I am not in any way going to let my loyal readership (wassup mother) down. I have a purpose, and it’s one I had all along.
In some kind of rebirth / Justin Bieber-style, epiphany-esque crawl back from the brink of e-extinction, I am steering my blog towards the light of the world: Harry Potter.
Now on this day many moons ago, Tom Riddle entered the Potter’s home in Godrick’s Hollow with a metric fucktonne of attitude. I, like many others, worship this day as my own personal Christmas and can usually be found swigging a bottle of Lambrini dressed as a scary motherfucker tonight, but this year I am dedicating today to the launch of my brand. new. blog.
You’re probably thinking by now oh I wish this fucking bitch would move the hell on and tell us what this blog gon’ be about. For-fucking-give me man, I haven’t written a post in almost a year! I’m getting to it…
In celebration of the TWENTIETH anniversary of the release of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone — and more importantly the (temporary) demise of Lord Voldemort — I am going to share my every joy, frustration and heartache from the series that has made my life to date.
From this day forth, I solemnly swear that I will recite, tear apart, mock and murder a chapter of Harry Potter per week. Yes, huns, one chapter per week. No way am I committing to actually doing something I enjoy for more than half an hour a week, y’all can wait patiently for instalments.
I will wax lyrical all over this blog about every inch of the pages. YOU AIN’T READY.
STAY TUNED FOR CHAPTER ONE, MY BITCHES!!!!!!!!
“Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much…”
See ya next week!