We need to talk about public transport in the UK. Whether it be overground, underground, sideways, airborne, on a road or on a track, all forms of public transport in Britain have one characteristic in common: they’re a shower of shite.
As a self-proclaimed angsty “bus wanker” – and someone who has to take a bus, underground tube and overground train to get to fucking work and back – I am pretty much a connoisseur of public transport. I must clarify here that I’m absolutely not admitting that proudly; it’s defo shameful and beyond to have to do battle with not one but three modes of UK transport on a daily basis. So I think what I’m getting at here is that I’m not a posh twat complaining about mixing with the peasantry on the bus, and that I do have a valid insight into just how shit transport in the UK really is.
I’ve made my feelings about London Underground clear on the blog before so I won’t rehash my exasperation, but I will say this: for one of the most beautifully complex systems in the world it is pretty shit. Perhaps that’s why the people who ride the tube daily all have faces like slapped arses and the ability to leave their every social norm and sense of humanity in the bitter cold of the outside world. But that’s a discussion for another time and I’m determined for this not to turn into another blog post about how much I hate people.
Trains do exist beyond the underground and indeed outside London (shock), and unfortunately they don’t seem to get any more bearable. As a person who travels between York and London regularly on that lovely East Coast line, I’ve experienced severe delays due to a fucking spot of rain, carriages that smell like human shit, and most recently a very loud phone conversation between my seat neighbour and her (ex?) boyfriend featuring an accusation of cheating with strippers and a potential nasty bout of herpes. Herpes aside though, people who talk on the phone on trains at the top of your voice: can you just not please? Just fuckin’ shut up, noone wants to spend their already shitty (and probably late) train journey hearing about your possible vaginal herpes.
Although I do have an issue with the lateness of trains, the lateness of buses is something else entirely. How is it that a bus that’s supposed to come “every few minutes” manages to take 35 fucking lengthy minutes to show up?! It’s beyond me, but it’s the main reason I’m late for everything (and no I shouldn’t be allowing more time for the lateness of buses my time is precious enough). Buses in general are really shit aren’t they? They either stink of shit, are covered in shit or are from the 1870s so they run like shit.
Other modes of transport that piss me off include flying (can’t upload sassy Instagram pics for hours on end), driving (can’t drive for shit) and prams (not big enough to cart my fat arse around).