We all have an online persona. To tell you the truth I’m actually a balding middle aged Moroccan guy with a penchant for glitter and an unhealthy obsession with Bill Oddy. But how would you actually know if I wasn’t? I guess seen as the only people who read my blog are my mum and Karen from down the road I can be pretty sure my entire readership know who I really am (although I do also love glitter).
What I really mean is that people are never themselves online. You scroll through that Instamodel’s profile and you’ll probably find zero pictures that haven’t been contrived, edited, brightened, sweetened with an Amaro filter and paid for by a clothing or makeup brand. My Instagram’s the same, only without the likes or the brand endorsements (#followme).
Facebook is the best platform for pretending you’re someone you’re not. You’ve got all those old “kinda” mates that you’ve not spoken to in 10 years and you only keep as a friend to look at pictures of their dog. You’ve got all those randomers you’ve met on a night out that you need to display your “cool side” for. You’ve got old school mates who are living intensely boring lives uploading photo after photo of their toddler eating woodchippings. You’ve got all these people to impress, and so much pressure to get it right.
So here’s a few Facebook personas I created randomly in my mind – which are most likely in your friends list somewhere – and what they really mean. And before anyone gets offended I am literally most of these people.
The girl who bombards her Facebook friends with pictures of their snotty toddler doing completely mundane shit and gets over 200 likes for the pleasure. I could post a video of me doing a backward somersault and still not break the three likes barrier, yet when little Polly does her first shit on the potty she gets a “you go girl!” and “wow clever Polly” from the online community. Sorry Polly, I think you’re cute really.
Sidenote: as soon as I meet any of these children I am straight on the Facebook upload of a baby selfie so I can cash in on these likes…
The “hippy chick” who seems to have been travelling in far east Asia for the past six years and exclusively shares Facebook posts about veganism and Swahili hamster fund raisers. This person is probably more skint than you’ve ever been – even when you were at uni – and probably also has chronic stomach pain from veg overload and too many feelings.
The selfie queen or king who makes sure to litter your newsfeed with well-edited, well-lit and well-angled selfies for you to like, love and comment on. (note: this is me). This person probably looks like an orangutan in real life and cries on a daily basis when their pictures don’t hit the 12 likes mark. Yes, this is a cry for more likes on my Facebook profile pictures.
The #gains fitness fanatic that likes nothing more than shoving their #legday down your virtual throat and churning out reviews of the latest equipment to make the veins pop out of your arms and forehead with ease. This person probably fancies their cousin.
The one who updates you on every single piece of shit activity in their daily lives via lengthy status updates and multiple daily check-ins to places like “my bed” and “the Coop buying eggs”. We all know this person leads an exceptionally boring life; at least they’re honest about it.
The one who shoves their relationship down the throats of anyone who will read. This person gives the game away by posting numerous photos – usually in the same pose in a different venue – and captioning with shit like “not only my lover but my best friend too” and #couplegoals. Seriously embarrassing.
Anyway I have probably offended everyone I have ever befriended on Facebook and you are all likely to never read my blog again. Please be reminded that I am actually every single one of the above people (minus the motherhood addict and the gym buff) and that this is all a bit of a fucking joke. Have a great day.
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