While there may be several blog posts out there dedicated to getting you through your exams, transforming you into a “morning person” (surely a mythical creature) and making you into an all-round better human being, they are probably all boring as shit. Concentrating on serious stuff like philosophy revision and the paper you have to submit in 48 hours is certainly kind of important if you want to live a long and prosperous life – or so they say, and we all know what DJ Khaled has to say about “they” – but getting to the end of a good Netflix series gives you infinite more satisfaction and wisdom.
I, like many lazy people before me, have been a long-standing expert in procrastination. It’s an art form, really, being fully able to sit in exactly the same position all day watching mindless trash informative telly, moving only for chocolate and crisps nutritious snacks. The next generation of lazy bastards may not be able to imagine a life outside of Netflix, but during my uni days – which were definitely my most productive when it comes to procrastination – Netflix wasn’t actually a popular thing, which means I know even more ways to forget about your pressing issues that simply re-watching every episode of Gossip Girl ever made.
So instead of providing some hearty, wholesome, “be the best you you can be” bullshit I am going to reel off a few ways in which you too can become an expert in procrastination like me:
- Play Sporcle.
If you plan on pretending to do work from a desktop computer or a laptop, Sporcle is a grand old way to pass the time. Sporcle is possibly the most genius website online now that the outstanding “paint with Donald Trump” site has been taken down. You can play quiz after quiz about any subject that should take your fancy (I particularly enjoy this Harry Potter one). If you’re merely an iPhone wanker and lacking in anything with a larger screen than 6 inches then I’d grab Scattergories on the old App Store and pass the mindless minutes that way, although if you’ve only got an iPhone in your life you’re not likely to get any work done at the last minute either.
- Binge watch a TV series.
This is the absolute best way to spend life. Sitting off in front of some particularly mindless shite while your problems slowly grow and fester in the background of your life is something that comes highly recommended by myself and several other lazy fuckers around the globe. My personal all time favourite – which I’m afraid isn’t actually on Netflix – is The Sopranos. Other suggestions include Game of Thrones if you like tits and violence (tick), Dexter if you like violence in kind of a sadistic vigilante way, Narcos if you like drugs (I won’t tell anyone), Making A Murderer if you want to slowly torture yourself with the injustice of the US legal system (tick) and – of course – Gossip Girl for Chuck Bass.
- Learn about completely irrelevant shit.
If like me you chose to study something that it turns out you didn’t actually like that much, there’s lots to be said for dipping into your housemates’ reading materials for the lols. You’ll probably end up feeling helpless, useless and pretty fuckin’ thick but you can always crack out some useless law knowledge that you got from your mate’s first year textbook when you eventually end up in court down the line.
- Become obsessed with conspiracy theories.
Did Paul McCartney really die in a car crash and get replaced by a double? Were America behind 9/11? Is the Queen a reptile? All these theories and more can entertain you for fucking hours, believe me I have experienced it. There’s some fucked up shit on the web, and you may find yourself believing in Aliens and campaigning for Eamonn Holmes to be unmasked as a giant rodent by the time you’ve finished, so it’s definitely worth giving this one a go.
- Read my blog.
It will make you infinitely more knowledgeable than any degree ever could, and will also give you 100% on the swagometer which is totally a real thing. Also send me money if you’re bored and feeling generous.
Please note that procrastination definitely does not end at uni, school or any other educational institution. Ask anyone who sits behind a desk all day; they know the tricks of the trade.