Looking good and shoving it in other people’s faces is great, and it’s made increasingly greater (and easier) by every Millennial’s favourite app: Instagram. Pretending you’re someone else online is an art form, and one that I’ve discussed as recently as last week on my blog. Seen as though I am unoriginal as fuck and unable to come up with anything interesting to talk about, I’ve decided to take this nastiness and direct it at Instagram’s finest, having embraced the fact I hate everything.
Getting any amount of attention on Instagram is somewhat difficult for anyone who isn’t the size of a Bowtruckle with a “glam squad” on the payroll. Convincing other people that your life is worthy of a double-tap can be hard; I am nearing 450 followers (groundbreaking, I know) and am yet to surpass the 15 likes mark on most of my pictures which is of course preposterous. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know the secret to a successful life on the ‘gram.
Here’s 5 essential tips for any potential Instaphenomenons:
- Eat avocado at all times, and make sure you photograph every step of the way
It’s strong Insta conduct to Instagram all of your food – especially any arty salads or ice cream sundaes you would never fucking eat due to the calorie content – to make sure your followers think you’re legit #goals. There’s one food you absolutely have to get involved with though, and that is avocado. Instagram’s obsession with avocado on toast has gotten out of control, and you need to get involved if you hope to become a successful Insta-basicbitch. Whether you “smash” it, spend half a fucking hour slicing it into even pieces and laying them out at even intervals, or grab an aerial shot of it in halves with eggs baked into it (which, by the way, is fuckin’ minging), make sure you grab plenty of photographic evidence for the ‘gram. Even if you don’t like avocado, you must pretend to do so.
- Attend Coachella
No Instamoron account is complete without a selection of “in your fucking face everyone I took out a small loan to sit in my own piss at a festival” pictures. Coachella, clearly, is the most Instagrammable festival to go to. Your friends will fume with jealousy, your mum will worry for your safety and you may even catch a glimpse of Rihanna sniffing m-kat off her security guy’s head. The main attraction though is the likes – think of the likes!!!! A candid (not) snap of you frolicking your way through the hazy Californian sun with a kale smoothie laced with ketamine and a quick #Coachella hashtag is certain to reel in the likes, and that’s all that matters in this life. Can’t afford Coachella? Take a selfie with some Frosty Jacks outside Leeds fest; it’ll have much the same effect.
- Learn to fucking contour, man.
If you’re poor – and Instagram does not favour the poor – go out and spend your final fiver on a half-decent contour kit, or get a credit card to bankroll your new makeup addiction. Upping your ~MUA~ (bullshit term) skills is an absolute must on Insta. In prep for your upcoming internet-breaking, Kylie Jenner-esque selfie be sure to make yourself look as little like you as humanly possible, as the Instagram community will not applaud your mediocre looks. Draw a Da Vinci sequence across your face to somehow make you look white under the eyes and slowly blacker as you move down – aim to look about 12 or 13 when you’re done. Up the brightness and stick a Lark filter on it and *voila* you’re a fucking Instamua (likes incoming).
- Spend loads of money you don’t have on holidays you can’t afford
We all know that a true Instagram success story begins with a serene beach shot. If you’re a size 2 and have an arse like two bowling balls you’re in with a strong chance at succeeding with this pic, ‘cause you are so much better and hotter than those fat bitches laying around scrolling through your feed eating cheesy chips and wishing they had your body. They’ll like it for sure. If you somehow unfortunately can’t see your abdominal muscles you may struggle to get this one right, although the old “hotdogs or legs” shot can be slimming and you’re bound to up the likes count with a picture of your £20 cocktail lying in the sand #blessed #fuckingskintnow #rakinginthelikesthough.
- Be edgy as fuck, and get it on film.
The final and most important tip for any budding Instagram pro is to be severely edgy. People with true edge are actually off Instagram smoking blunts behind a Spoons in East London, so the online space can be filled with fake hipster shit that you absolutely in no way wear or interact with in real life. For instance, my own Instagram features several images of me pretending to be cool, and although I don’t rake in the likes (fuck’s sake) I am safe in the knowledge that anyone who stumbles across my page will know I am an Instawanker. Recommended photo content: street art, hoop earrings and a “don’t give a fuck mate” attitude (cans of Red Stripe optional).