Chapter Five: Diagon Alley

Time to hit the January sales, bitches!

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Jesus wept, we’ve learned a lot over the past four chapters. Thank the Lord Voldemort I am here to guide you all through this perilous journey to magical enlightenment — I know you guys would be nowhere without me, and you’re welcome.

So I hope you all had a very merry Christmas and a happy new year, full of turkey and tings. I hope you all also took a moment to think of what Christmas must’ve been like for POOR OLD HARRY POTTER over the decade of his life at Privet Drive — sometimes I shed a tear thinking about that poor lad’s life, you know.

But anyway, in the spirit of overindulgence and shopping, which are both very topical, Christmassy endeavours, we’re heading to none other than Diagon fucking Alley with Hagrid. Continue reading “Chapter Five: Diagon Alley”

Chapter One: The Boy Who Lived

Mr and Mrs Dursley are anything but perfectly fucking normal, thank you very much.

So let’s kick this off with the cold, hard facts: Mr and Mrs Dursley are anything but perfectly fucking normal, thank you very much. They’re a pair of abusive morons, to be frank.

Continue reading “Chapter One: The Boy Who Lived”