So another week has gone by on our glorious planet, and the teenage population has gone into complete meltdown (along with a few more tragic older Directioners). Young honeys around the world are feeling the #ZaynPain and letting us all know about it. Literally everywhere. Like, it’s inescapable. The fans have now decided that they’re going to buy One Direction, like the boys are a real commodity for sale. Someone has actually done the maths so it seems legit. Maths = legit.
As per the mental internet, youngsters came out in their droves to #CutForZayn, a la the Justin Bieber smoking a spliff anguish of yesteryear. I’ve given shit to Internet trolls in the past on here and I will continue to do so; whoever had the bright idea of feeding young ladies with the bullshite that self-harm is a cure for Zayn Pain is a fucking massive prick. Girls (and boys), Zayn doesn’t need for you to draw blood to know that you’re missing him honeys, I’m sure his Twitter feed is enough to clue him in on the tribulations of your lives right now.
Of course, the hilarious side of the Internet have their own cure for Zayn Pain in the form of the big bad Jeremy Clarkson. While the Directioners fandom is certainly on a vast scale, the elder and (hopefully) wiser Clarkson fandom (known affectionately as Jeremites – I literally just made that shit up let’s hope it catches on) is not small itself, and poor Top Gear fans have undoubtedly been suffering from Clarksonitis – the man is literally like a media disease, his face is everywhere. So to solve the world’s problems, trolls who are arguably quite funny have suggested that Zayn be replaced by Jez. Wouldn’t that be fucking mint hahahahha.
So while everyone in the world (myself included) has noticed that Zayn has flown the nest and Jeremy was pushed out with brute force, the more sane media has been reporting the sad loss of 150 lives in the Germanwings plane crash of Tuesday. Irrespective of who caused the crash, the tragedy is hard-hitting and you’d think it would be sobering enough to stop the outcry of Zayn Pain.
Zayn Pain really is a genius term.
I also got an iPhone 6 in gangster gold so we all know who the real winner is here.
Banger of the week: