a guide to Prague

On my quest to digitally record anything remotely interesting that happened to me last year – bear in mind my memory is completely shit – I found myself reminiscing about May’s trip to Prague. As my first visit to the stag do capital of Europe I will forever look back on it not as the trip when I saw a legion of pissed up Brits abroad shaking their cocks around with a picturesque background – surprisingly we saw no genitalia – but as the very first time I went abroad and forgot my mother fucking hair straighteners.

In 2015 and beyond it is difficult to erase documentation of an event where you looked a bit shit. As you may know, I have proper shit hair which thanks to hair extensions and my blessed straighteners can at times look less shit than it actually is. For this reason the tragic moment I opened my suitcase in this exotic foreign country and found a lack of electric salad tongs was much worse than you could imagine. How was I possibly going to look chic and sassy and cosmopolitan in Prague without the ability to style my fucking hair?

For those who are wondering the answer was that I just didn’t. I didn’t look chic, I didn’t look sassy and I certainly didn’t look cosmopolitan. In many of the pictures – and, believe me, there were loads of pictures – I looked either bald or highly unfashionable, which as you can imagine is a disaster for someone who likes to look as delicious as possible in their selfies. There was a slight respite in the fact that I caked myself in as much dramatic makeup as possible on each day in an attempt to distract from the bizarre/awful hair situation, which means that a few of the pics are somewhat acceptable. I also rocked a few pairs of prominent sunglasses so as to distract from it. However there’s no escaping the one day I French plaited my lacklustre locks backward whilst wet and released them for the evening: I looked like Marv from Home Alone when he gets electrocuted. There’s a picture just down there below where I have somehow actually managed to look like Katie Hopkins: horrifying.

So as we are all gathering from this blog post the main take away from the Prague trip is that I am vain as fuck. Of course I am totally exaggerating my utter horror (sort of) above, and I had an absolute ball with my lady learning about all things communism and being burgled by brazen ratty hoes in the street – a story for another time.

For anyone considering a trip to Prague in the near future, here are my tips:

• Take your hair straighteners!!!!
• Never try and understand the tram system, you will always end up in the wrong place.
• Do a guided tour! Prague has some insane history.
• Drink loads of cheap beer – it’s cheaper than water over there.
• Hold onto your belongings as the hoes might come for your bountiful cash too.
• Visit St. Nicholas Church, it’s the most beautiful place in the world.
• Don’t French plait your hair, you’ll look a complete dick later on.
• Treat yourself to a delicious sugared ring (I promise there is no other way to describe it, don’t lower the tone of my tour guide with your dirty mind).
• Prepare to be inundated with awesome views – we actually got sick of finding amazing views after a while ‘cause they all look the same.
• Visit the Museum of Communism – it’s hidden away next to a Maccies (no joke).
• Don’t bother with the astronomical clock – it’s dogger.

Tata for now huns, pics belowXXXX